It's funny, you go in to the night thinking its going to be awesome, thus far the night has failed it's task. I just feel like I'm being brought further and further down because of recent events. The one night that I'm out with my friends and the place is dead as hell. Course I suppose I should read it as a sign, but the sign sucks. Leaves me wondering what I'm supposed to do. Do I just pine or do I attempt what seems to be the impossible? How do I attempt the impossible when everything is fighting me? Can I survive it? I don't know what to do or think, but I don't want anyone to tell me either. Bah.

First I want to thank everybody for reading. Today, and possibly the next few days, the thought in my head is something some people find hard to understand. A little back story on my process of thinking, I believe everybody deserves love, and to be loved, but I, for as long as I can remember, have never like I deserve to be loved. Maybe I'm just being emo, because I force my caring and loving out there and on to whomever I'm with. The downside is I can't accept it back. It truly is a curse. So today's subject is being loved, how do you accept it? Of course if everyone could not accept being loved what would the point of love be? So is it so bad that I have so much trouble accepting love? I hate that I can't, but it is what it is. So how do you fix that? Do I just fake it til I make it? Or do I need therapy? Who knows maybe this is normal?

I never realized there were so many thunderbird pictures from the old west. This is the first one I'm attaching pics to. So one theory about thunderbirds is that they are pterodactyls that some how survived the extinction of the dinosaurs. These pictures seem to support that idea. I hope that something was able to survive extinction. That gives me hope, because it is bound to happen to us. Now there is also the thought that maybe they survived millennia of being frozen in ice, like the idea of humans using cryogenics to freeze themselves and it just so happened they unfroze. Here are the pics tell me what you think? Real or fake?

Anyone that has seen shows like Ghost Hunters, Ghost Adventures or even Paranormal State have seen the video "evidence" of shadow people. I only quote the word because while I firmly believe most of the evidence I have seen is real, not everybody believes the same. That being said I read an article tonight, while waiting for my turn at Karaoke that struck me. I came across the story on Stumble Upon, love that app, and in it there is a story of Doug, who, real or fictional, see's a black mass near his house on the way home from the store. This story struck me hard whether Doug is real or not. It made me want my shadow person experience. I know it is coming. The article described the different types of shadow person, your typical shadow person, the oppressive variety, the demonic variety as well as the hooded and hatted version. The hatted version got me thinking, what if time travel is achieved only through death, what if death leads to the ability to see any era in human history? So what if the hatted version is me after I die? Very curious. So maybe not all the hatted versions are me, but one of them could be. What if ghosts are capable of seeing their living selves? Any thoughts?

So a couple weeks back I hit my limit. Fiancé split up with me, bills piling on, and life was just seemingly going down hill. The breaking point was when I had made arrangements to pay the cable, but they still shut it off. Small I know, but it was that acorn in the iceberg. (From ice age 2 I believe is where that comes from.) I had thoughts that were unbelievably vivid and bad, blew up and left me broken and feeling alone. I'm not one to break that bad these days, thanks in large part to understanding why I am the way I am and the medication helps too, but this was bad enough to make people around me feel so very uncomfortable that they didn't want to come over anymore. Now I told you that story to relay my feelings now.
I was hanging out with my now ex fiancé last night and, I understand it didn't come out right, but it really dropped me to that line and I almost broke, pretty much did. One more thing would have done it. What was said isn't important, as she said, it didn't come out right, but it got me thinking, how horrible of a person am I? Even though it came out wrong it still came out, and I believe that's damn close to a Freudian slip. Maybe I'm worried that the phrase was on target, maybe I am that horrible. If that's the case is there any redemption for me?